Monday, February 12, 2007


This past weekend I spent four days in San Francisco with the boyfriend. He had grad school applications to do and, well me, I had shopping to do. Unfortunately four days just isn't long enough, and my only real regret is not having adequate time in a city so big.

On the first day we went out to the Fisherman's Wharf, venturing quite a ways away from our hotel in the middle of Cracktown. PARENTAL EDIT: Sorry dad, if you're reading this just replace the word "Cracktown" with "Richtown-without-mumbling-cracked-out-hobos". I'd describe Fisherman's Wharf as a cross between Granville Island and Disneyland, with a good view of Alcatraz. I decided that I didn't need to spend my time or money going to a jail, and opted for a simple viewing from a distance. I understand that many people are interested in seeing a jail when they've never before, but personally I want to keep my eyes virginal to the inner confines of a jail cell. Call me crazy.

After lots of walking we sat down near the pier to eat our clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl, something I'm still getting cravings for. As we sat and sipped our soup, several abnormally large sea gulls swooped down to stare at us. I just sort of sat there in a slight daze as I noted the colossal size of these birds. Either they have a secret vat of lard they like to snack on, or small children are going missing from Fisherman's Wharf. We threw a piece of bread at one of the birds and strangely enough, the bird only looked at it.

"Eat it you dumb bird," I said.

The seagull looked at the bread offering, then at us, then back down at the bread before he spoke.

"I'm sorry, but is this for me? This measly piece of crumb? I can hardly see it. How do you think I got so huge? By eating miniscule charity such as that? Pfft. I don't know what kind of physique those birds in Canada have, but it probably doesn't jiggle like my ass. A bird isn't supposed to have an ass that jiggles you say? Bite me. Better yet, bite that piece of bread. Nah, I'll leave it for the hobos."

I blinked several times and wondered what would have been a more appropriate offering. What kind of thankless animal was this? And then it made sense. I'm sure that when you're used to the succulent flesh of young tourist human babies, yeast risen bread just doesn't cut it anymore.

I looked back at the bird with spite and saw that he was pecking away at the sourdough. Hah, not so almighty now are we?


Blogger screetus said...

San Francisco rules! I love that city. Ever wondered how long it would take that soup to soak through one of those bread bowls? Or would it harden before it did that?

Say, new boyfriend? Cool!

1:54 PM  
Blogger MilliVanilli said...

carmidy-carm-carm, you bring light to my day.

3:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's when you start to yell at that fucking bird, and realize at the same time you are no different than the crackheads and bums on fisherman's wharf...

6:22 PM  
Blogger ry said...

those birds have such a short memory span that he forgot that he told you off like that. plus, hunger will maky any animal put aside their pride.

it's been a while since i've read your posts. i definately need to visit more often.

5:49 PM  
Blogger .Ophelia. said...

did you get a look at the pidgeons with missing legs? Its very creepy.
All those birds will hop right up and steal food from you. Guess children were the easiest to steal from. So easy they just decided to take the whole kid, not just the offering. :op

8:32 PM  
Anonymous abdu said...

crows robbed me of chips as a child. i put the chip bag down for 2 seconds.

anyway woo reading break. enjoy

1:06 AM  

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