Resume, That's French For "Opposite"

I don't think I'm admitting anything surprising or unheard of when I say that everyone lies on their resume. Its the filler that makes it seem as though you're qualified, experienced, and somehow willing. If you haven't lied yet, that may possibly be the reason you're unemployed and sleeping under a bridge, trying everyday to collect enough cigarette butts to complete a whole pack. Euphemisms are another key, my personal favourite, because when done right they can turn shit into gold. You may perhaps spruce up "likes toast" into "passion for cooking", or "dealt with stupid bitch in grocery store line-up" into "has experience in customer service regarding problem solving". I guess what I'm trying to say here is, yes, you could put two pieces of bread together and call it a sandwich, but would anyone want to eat it?

If it's any consolation, I do try to make it SEEM as though I am all the things I claim to be. And I'm a very good actress.

The truth is, I'm so irresponsible and lazy. I'll put milk back in the fridge with two drops left, I'll wait for someone else to take the garbage off (he who tops it off drops it off, thanks Bart), I clean my room annually (and generally only when I've lost something like a pay check), and I really can't say I take much initiative in things. I know it's not my parents fault that I grew up to be a slight failure because my sister turned out really great, and my brother is pretty competent at times. My parents always chose to leave my sister with directions on how to cook dinner, check the answering machine, and do anything remotely crucial when we were younger. I can remember being about 8 years old, still not knowing how to use my stupid VCR, and having to always call my baby sister to show me how. Essentially, I can be a big waste of space sometimes, but occasionally my strengths shine through, like when I make sure the peanut butter spreads all the way to the edges of the bread. I figure, if I can somehow disguise my negligible traits as desirable, then I've finally succeeded.

Today at work, when a coworker laughed about how I had seen the garbage without a bag in it and then not immediately replaced it, I laughed along with her. Gosh! How thoughtless could I be? Not replenishing the garbage bag when I saw that it needed to be, hah; I tried to make my giggles sound sincere and genuine. I didn't tell her that those types of innate reactions just hadn't had enough time to really become ingrained in my mind yet. Cleaning, upkeeping, serving, smiling, they were all taking a good while to be introduced into my daily routine. I wanted to explain to her how completely unlike me it was to be helpful but decided against it. Afterall, I think I might have mentioned something about being "hardworking" when I was hired.

I looked over to a customer with two children in a stroller. The older brother was jabbing his finger into his sleeping sister's eye. I'd say my previous level of helpfulness would parallel with his poking.