I Surprised Even Myself
I went and got a blood test today, something which I previously considered to be impossible for myself. I decided to really suck it up and face both my fear of needles and ironically, being healthy. I think as a hypochondriac your greatest fear is being totally ok, as completely irrational as that sounds. I took my number, 98, and I waited in the fluorescently lit room.
After they called my name I walked into a hallway with several stalls and upon realizing that I didn't even have a private room to cry in, said "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, FUCK THIS" in a very loud voice. I sat down and wanted to tell Mr. Impatient that I needed a second but he seemed pretty eager to drain me.
"Look buddy, I might die in this chair. Like right here, right now, DIE."
"When's the last time you had a blood test?"
"A blood test? NEVER. Do I look like one of those sane normal people that can do this regularly?"
"Flex. Alright, that's a good one," he said as he pointed to a tiny blue line near the inside of my elbow.
I'm sure he says that to everyone, emphasizes the "good" factor, but I secretly relished the fact that my veins were above average, good even.
"Just a little prick...So are you in school? Are you crying?"
"Yes, school."
"You must be smart then?"
"Yeah, I'm a fucking genius."
His small talk was aggravating me but I didn't dare move a muscle for fear that the needle would lodge itself deep into my arm. I was just # 595059 on this guys list and his automated questions were not what I wanted to hear. He finished taking 4 viles of blood from my arm and then asked me how I was feeling.
"So don't lift anything heavy for the rest of the day."
"Ok, I usually do a lot of heavy lifting, as you can see from my huge arms, but I suppose today I'll deviate from my normal routine."
"Do you want something to drink, maybe apple juice or fruit punch?
"How about a gin and tonic?"
He chuckled, "Nope, we don't have that here."
After they called my name I walked into a hallway with several stalls and upon realizing that I didn't even have a private room to cry in, said "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, FUCK THIS" in a very loud voice. I sat down and wanted to tell Mr. Impatient that I needed a second but he seemed pretty eager to drain me.
"Look buddy, I might die in this chair. Like right here, right now, DIE."
"When's the last time you had a blood test?"
"A blood test? NEVER. Do I look like one of those sane normal people that can do this regularly?"
"Flex. Alright, that's a good one," he said as he pointed to a tiny blue line near the inside of my elbow.
I'm sure he says that to everyone, emphasizes the "good" factor, but I secretly relished the fact that my veins were above average, good even.
"Just a little prick...So are you in school? Are you crying?"
"Yes, school."
"You must be smart then?"
"Yeah, I'm a fucking genius."
His small talk was aggravating me but I didn't dare move a muscle for fear that the needle would lodge itself deep into my arm. I was just # 595059 on this guys list and his automated questions were not what I wanted to hear. He finished taking 4 viles of blood from my arm and then asked me how I was feeling.
"So don't lift anything heavy for the rest of the day."
"Ok, I usually do a lot of heavy lifting, as you can see from my huge arms, but I suppose today I'll deviate from my normal routine."
"Do you want something to drink, maybe apple juice or fruit punch?
"How about a gin and tonic?"
He chuckled, "Nope, we don't have that here."
posted by lowercasecarmen at 1:53 PM
4 Comments:
you are a brave soul.
if only they gave out beverages like that after blood tests...
It sounds like you were the best #595059 you could be! Well done!
Why the hell do doctors always give you small talk when you're in teh most uncomfortable positions?
"So yeah, pull down your pants I'm going to check for testicular cancer..yeah...so the Oilers signed Sykora eh? *hold grab*"
WTF MAN!
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